Doc at 2:45pm

Just a note...

Keep this little girl, Kate, in your prayers!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

Frustrating, but....

I've got to believe God has a plan.

Today I got a call from my optometrist's office. They tried to make me an appt with the Neurologist at UNC but apparently they have to review my "referral" and it can be up to a year's wait to get in to see them because they're a "learning facility." Which is irritating...what good is great healthcare in this country if we can't get a hold of it when we need it?!
Anyway, I have decided as a result to go ahead with my doctor's appt tomorrow and get bloodwork done there and then go on and get referred by them to a neurologist that can at least go on and get me an MRI.

But go ahead and PRAY that there is an answer in my bloodwork. Maybe, by some miracle, I won't need an MRI to explain these symptoms. 3 years ago when they did my bloodwork they found nothing. Maybe this time there will be a simple explanation.

Please keep me in your prayers, especially at 2:45 pm tomorrow.
Thanks guys!

Oh, and not to mention...

I have read the bible today. I have started on the "hope journal" which is basically just verses my church gives us every day and asks us to study them.

As I've been reading, here are the things I believe God wanted me to hear...

Isaiah 57
"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,"
says the LORD. "And I will heal them."

Isaiah 58: "Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

And , ALL of Psalm 103:
Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases, = who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone,and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts. The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all. Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.


and 2 Peter 3:
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Today is a new day

Today I....

-Got up and did not feel sorry for myself
-Immediately got dinner together and put it in the crockpot
-Enjoyed my kids and went for a nice refreshing walk
-listened to some christian music on the radio
-Watched the movie Faith like Potatoes
-Had a nice talk with my mom on the phone
-prayed
-visited with a friend of mine and was able to give her some good financial advice while taking my mind off of my issues
-smiled and felt at peace for the first time in a few days.

Today I did NOT...
-cry
-constantly check my vision for new spots
-shout at my kids
-forget to eat
-constantly whine and ask God, "WHY ME?"
-Listen to the lies of the devil
-Try and sleep my way through the day
-give up my peace of mind.


I'd say today has been a GOOD DAY!!

Went to the Optometrist...

And surprise, surprise there is nothing wrong with my eye. But I do have a very small blindspot. They just can't find what would cause it. Good news is , they have referred me to Dr. Felix, the neurologist. Which means that I can skip out on the visit to the family doc on Friday! One less copay and one less time to explain my laundry list of symptoms.
I went to medhelp.org (an online medical community) and I found a few people that have this blind spot symptom (exactly like mine). One girl in particular had it back in May and went to a neurologist- I have written her to ask her what her outcome was. At least I know I'm not a freak and I'm NOT making this all up- she has EXACTLY what I have!! (as far as the 'blindspot' goes)
What the optometrist DID say was that if it were something big neurologically (as in a tumor or MS) then usually there would be something going on with the optic nerve (there wasn't) or the blind spot would be significantly bigger (it's not). So there it is.
Keep praying for me while I seek answers. My BIGGEST fear is that this blind spot will get bigger or more will appear and they will be powerless to stop it because they cannot figure out what is causing it.

I will continue to keep you updated. I should find out when my neuro appt is today so I will post and let you know.

Eye doc appt today at 4:30pm

Okay, just set up an eye appt. today for my "blind spot." Again, I am very scared. Please pray for me.

Update on doc appt...

I cannot see the neurologist without family doc referral. I called my family doc for one, but they have to see me again (because my last appt for these symptoms was back in 2006). So my first stop is at the family doctor at 2:45 pm on Friday. I will keep you updated.

Something is wrong with me....

And I'm finally going to at least try and figure out what it is. Here is some backgound...

After I had my daughter in 2006 I immediately began having a series of neurological problems that I had never previously experienced in my life. It began literally two days after the birth- the first symptom was a case of bells palsy, which causes temporary partial paralysis of the face. Thankfully that went away after about a week and a half. Some say that pregnancy can be a cause, so we never looked into it that much as it went away on its own.
A few months later I started noticing little sensations...it first began with my back. I'd always notice, especially in the morning, that it felt like a little piece of tape was stuck to my back when I'd lean over. It would go away in a few minutes. Then, I noticed that my toes would start to tingle (both feet) at random times of the day. Eventually this tingling would make its way to my hands, legs, arms, sometimes even the top of my head. It would last for a few minutes, max. This was occurring on both sides of my body. I also began to notice what felt like raindrops hitting my leg- or the sensation of wetness on my legs when there was nothing there. I went to my family doctor and they did a series of bloodwork tests but all of it came up normal. He didn't feel the need to refer me to a neurologist and told me it was probably all just hormonal and related to the birth (even though at this point I'd given birth almost a year ago). Finally, sometime after a year, my symptoms started to slow down and almost completely go away. But, then I noticed a new symptom. Suddenly I had a huge amount of eye floaters. I mean, I went from having absolutely no floaters to a TON in both eyes within a week. I also noticed that in a dark room, when I moved my eyes I'd see flashes of light. I wasn't convinced that these new symptoms were related to all the tingling, so I just went to the eye doctor. All tests were normal. Optic nerve looked good. Which was what I was worried about because at this point, after hours of searching online, I had already diagnosed myself with multiple sclerosis. Because my eye doc couldn't find a reason for these flashes, he referred me to a retinal specialist. I went, and, as always, tests came back normal. So I was left to believe that this was all in my head. Well, eventually I started seeing just random flashes of light even without eye movement. And my other symptoms just hadn't gone away- so I booked myself an appointment with a local neurologist. I really did just look one up in a phonebook out of desperation. So I went and he did a few tests on me but basically told me he didn't think it was multiple sclerosis or a brain tumor (great) but he thought he'd order up an MRI just in case. Well, after leaving his office I felt a lot better so I went ahead and canceled the MRI- I just felt like we couldn't afford it and after his reassurance I figured it would all just go away.
Well, the floaters never went away and I got used to the occasional flashes. My tingling had almost completely stopped. I figured it was all hormonal, especially after looking up all these other people online with almost identical symptoms. They had all gotten MRI's and all of those MRI's had come up clear and they were just on a rabbit trail, desperate to find a diagnosis. Well, I hate doctors and tests, etc. I wasn't that desperate for a diagnosis. Plus my symptoms seemed to be fading...I figured that everything was fine.
So I got pregnant again when my daughter was 21 months. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and a natural birth. My tingling got a little worse when pregnant so I figured it was definitely hormonal and didn't give it much thought. After he was born , I didn't get bells palsy. Everything went beautifully.
The past 10 months I've often worried and thought maybe I should have gotten that MRI. But I prayed to God and said, God, if you want me to get further testing done you are going to have to give me a symptom that I just cannot ignore.
Well, a few days ago, that symptom came. On Saturday, I noticed that when I blinked I saw a perfect little oval shaped ball of light. It was like what you see after looking at a lightbulb for too long. So I figured that must be what it was. So I just waited for it to go away.
Well, it never did. I eventually noticed that this little flash happened mainly when I blinked or sometimes on upgaze. But the thing that really bothered me was- I couldn't see through it. It's like a blindspot in my vision. Thankfully, it is only in one eye. I can never focus on it directly.
I praise God that he was kind enough to give me a symptom that I cannot ignore- but it's a symptom that I can handle. So I made up my mind - I was going to go back to the doctors and try to figure out what I'm dealing with. But where in the world would I go? I knew nothing about neurologists and I had a sneaking suspicion that the last one I had gone to was a bit of a quack.
So we went to church yesterday. I sang, hoping for a healing. It was hard to get my heart into worship. I felt alone and scared. I didn't understand why it was all happening to me. I have two beautiful kids that need me. What if this blind spot gets bigger?? What if I get more of them? I couldn't stop crying. At the end of worship someone got up and said they felt like there were people in the church that were finding it hard to worship God- but God wanted us to know that a time would come where we would truly be able to worship and with our whole heart believe and confess that God is great and he DOES work for the good of those who love him. Obviously, that person he was speaking to was me. I could just feel it.
After the service was over I was desperate to get prayed over. Me, my husband and my two little kids stalked the pastor until I finally just shouted "Pastor Bill!" and got his attention. I told him I desperately needed prayer. He immediately got his wife over to me. She took me aside and I broke down in tears.
I told her I was afraid I had something like multiple sclerosis and I was so scared. She looked at me and said, "I know exactly how you feel." She went on to tell me that she'd had very similar symptoms to mine for years and she'd been to neurologist after neurologist and they diagnosed her with everything under the sun because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She was diagnosed with everything from clinical depression to Multiple Sclerosis. Finally, she went to a new neurologist at UNC. She was diagnosed with B-12 deficiency and she now takes shots and her symptoms went away completely. She was able to refer me to that neurologist and pray for me.
When I'm done writing this blog post, I am calling that doctor and scheduling an appointment. I am scared to death. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you do, please pray for me. Thank you.

Stellan

Please keep him in your prayers...he is having a rough time of it. To read more about him, please click on his button on my page.

Freaks on the internet

Okay, so everyone knows that there are freaks on the internet. Are you a freak? I hope not, but that's not going to stop you from reading my blog.
I'm already brand new to this blog thing and guess what-! I've already encountered freaks! Therefore, I have taken down pictures of myself and my children. I know that a lot of the very popular blogs I read have pictures of their children up for public viewing- but I just can't join in I'm afraid. So, there it is. Pictures off. Back to my reguarly scheduled program.

My first (kind of) post

Okay, well here I am. My name is "D" and I'm a terrible housewife. I'm also the mommy of 2 children. Abi (short for Abigail) who is almost 3 1/2 , and Jacob who is 10 months old.
And my ramblings begin.

Has anyone else ever had a rushing sound in their ear but they aren't really sure if it's there or not? That's what I noticed last night but I think it might always be there when it's really quiet and I've only just now picked up on it. Great, huh? That means now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure I will eventually. Like when I actually leave my cave (the house) and do something productive with the kids. Maybe I'll go to the library today? I don't know.
The thing with libraries is- moms are there. Yes, I'm a mom. But I'm not a "library mom." And yes, they exist. And no, they are not like me. They are different. Library moms are almost always dressed nicely and they have their cup of morning joe in their hands and their stroller in the other. They are usually hanging around other moms that also have a cup of coffee in their hands. They have had time to put make up on in the morning. They utilize every service the public library has to offer. They have not missed one story time from the minute their child was born. They probably even went to storytime BEFORE their child was born, you know, because babies can listen in utero and all that crap. They let their kids dominate the kid section- which means my kid is left on the outskirts, because their kids have all the puzzles. And they know all the library workers- y'know, because at this point those workers have become nannies. And all the while the moms chat about how they found all these wonderful deals at Kohl's. And then I walk in.
I never dress up to go the library. And you better bet, if I'm going to the library, it's before I took a shower. And I don't have coffee in my hand- I probably have a dirty diaper and a bag of cheerios. I have no make up on. My clothes are probably wrinkled. And my daughter is walking around with a wide-eyed expression on her face like, "wow we're at the LIBRARY!"
Looks of disapproval ensue.
Well they can kiss my fat white terrible-housewife butt.

I also hate playdates. Please tell me other moms hate playdates. Because I am stuck in playdate hell in this neighborhood. It's not that I hate the idea of my kid playing with other kids. It's just that I think "playdates" are lame.
Tell me, did you ever have a "Playdate" as a child? Do you EVER remember your mom calling another mom on the phone and asking to have someone over for a "playdate?" NO! That word didn't even exist. You played with the kids on your street. Oh, you didn't have kids on your street? Well then you were that miserable kid sitting on the sewer drain trying to catch lizards. But either way, there was no "playdate." And it doesn't just stop with the kids- playdates are really for moms too. Sometimes, the mom tags along and chit chats with the other mom. Sometimes, you just drop your kids off just to get a break for yourself. Sometimes, there are playGROUPS. Yes, groups. Because one friend just isn't enough. Oh, and make sure you bring a snack for your child and the "host child." Otherwise it's rude. And, if you DO find yourself in a playGROUP- you make sure that you make your child "wash their hands" before snack time. You don't want disapproving looks.
The moms in my neighborhood are playdate crazy. They want to schedule these bad boys in advance. Seriously? Grocery store, check. Mom's birthday, check. Playdate scheduled 2 months in advance- check. WHAT?! I mean honestly- are they going to have to start sending out "save the date" cards now? And if I ask, "hey you want to bring your kid over to play tomorrow?" I get a "let me check my schedule." AGH! You don't know what you're doing tomorrow? What the crap. There goes spontanaeity. And if, by chance, I do decide to go to a playgroup- guess what the moms say. "WOW! Look who's out of the house! We haven't seen you in a long time!" GRR! That's the thing, you know. My 'cave' is in the suburbs. My front door is practically on the sidewalk. Do these ladies notice when I open and close my blinds? Yes, they do. Do they listen for signs of life coming from my fenced in backyard? You bet. They're out there, people. Moving to the country seems like a better idea every minute.